Heard Over Coffee

As my life progressed from single man to married man, the next natural progression was the addition of children to the mix. Marriage and children are strange anomalies to life. We begin our lives as children, in theory, growing and maturing into productive adults. This is the first major anomaly.

Our lives are patterned by our surroundings, or so we are told by those who possess the knowledge about these things. I do have my doubts about that since I had a brother and sister. We all had the same parents, grandparents and general upbringing. But the differences between the three siblings could not be greater. Without going into personal stories about my family, suffice it to say that there have been times that questions have been raised as to the possibility of different ancestry of each of the siblings. Regardless of personal situations, we all have known people that were raised in very similar situations, conditions and surroundings that have turned out so vastly different that it boggles the mind. So, to those sociologists who claim that environment makes the person, I say "A pox on you!" ButI digress.

So, here we go, merrily through life, happily wandering here and yon. We attend school, sometimes even remembering some of the stuff that was allowed to seep into our cerebral storage units. We form friendships and relationships, losing some along the way, gaining others, our lives in a constant whirlwind of change. Then, we become adults.

At least, we are told we are adults. Based on age, and the fact that we successfully (?) completed our lower educational requirements, we are thrust out of the comfort of the world where the majority of decisions were made for us. We are told that we are in charge of our own destiny, but later we find out what that really means. Translation: you will have to pay your own way. Some of us take the word "charge" seriously, racking up a significant debt that has a way of screwing up our "destiny".  To meet these new demands, we begin the long and lengthy process called working for a living. We might fit a bit more schooling in our lives along the way, but all that does, in reality, is add more debt. The fact that a large number of college graduates are not working in the field of their study attests to the fact that "higher education" really translates to "higher debt" and more work. But has our life improved? Perhaps the only thing that really changed was who is making decisions for us. Teachers, then bosses.

The next anomaly is when that ONE special relationship consumes our life. We can't sleep regularly because we MUST be with that ONE SPECIAL PERSON all of the time. Those rare moments when we are apart are filled with phone calls, many times without actually conversation, but simply holding a phone next to our ear so we can hear them breathe. I have known of cases where people have actually fallen asleep while on the phone with Mr. or Ms. Wonderful! (Don't EVEN act surprised.) Eventually, those moments apart push us over brink of sanity and we make the Big Commitment. We get married.

Marriage is actually pretty great. Trips to Walmart to get more socks instead of folding them have been eliminated for we now have someone to help us to perform these chores. Thank goodness because we had no room for other clothes with 200 pairs of socks in the drawer. Another major benefit is that now, we have dishes that are actually a full set and match, glasses that are not plastic and made by Dixie, flatware that actually makes a metallic sound when dropped and toast that was not served by IHOP. Plus, we have someone who can help us with all those chores we hated before. Amazing how easy it is to change our phraseology from "Are there any more paper plates?" to " I will be happy to wash those dishes." All because of Love. Yes, Life is Good!

Marriage is also a great ego booster. You now have someone who laughs at your jokes, smiles at your facial expressions and is an all-round great audience for your off-key attempts to replicate Creedence Clearwater Revival's version of Proud Mary. That song will never be the same, but your life partner loves it. Another benefit is the ability to have a second conscience. When you are debating "Should I" or "Should I not?", you now have someone to help you make that decision. "If you do, the couch is going be yours for quite some time." "Right", you say. "I was coming to the same conclusion," you say, not so convincingly.

Then, the inevitable happens. All those fun filled nights spent with the love of your life, suddenly takes a serious turn. The P word echos in your ear. Yes pregnancy has made its debut. Your life will never be the same. Over time, you come to accept the idea that all those things you considered to be yours were now in the share category. Sports Television has been replaced by Sesame Street and the Letter U. Your cell phone now becomes the instrument used to induce silence into your new world. Apps downloaded for adult use has been replaced by an app your daughter uses to dress up a doll. I faintly remember paper cut outs stuck on a card board character. That is history, now it is done digitally. Toys R Us is your new shopping location. Life has changed.

The first years are the real indicators of what is to come. The first months clothing requirements for the new resident are plastic with a thick, super absorbent liner. And lots of them. The love of your life comes home with a new set of "adorable" outfits that will be worn exactly one time because next week, the outfit will be too small. You lived for years with a chest of drawers with 4 drawers. But the new resident has to have 5 times the storage space that you had. Medical requirements have you apoplectic. Rashes have become a way of life, as well as a new way to treat them every week. The bathroom no longer reeks of BenGay, but of other odors that you believe it to be impossible to have been produced by anything human. Especially that small of a human. Having a son is a real test for how fast you can change that diaper. Dawdle too long and the geyser catches you right in the face. You soon learn to keep "Old Faithful" covered as long as possible.

Finally, it is time for the little one to begin the educational process. But something has changed. You started school with Kindergarten or First Grade. Now, it is Pre-K or Pre-Pre-K. Oh, by the way, these years are not part of the taxes you pay to school district to educate your child. No, these are on top of all those thousands of tax dollars you are currently paying. It will be a couple of years before your tax dollars are working for you. Within days, you discover that the precious bundle of joy you risk your own life protecting from dirt and bacteria is now thrown into a cesspool of disease and maladies you never dreamed of. Eventually, you come to believe that your child's upper lip skin color is actually green. Somehow, the little disease carrier makes it through these early years and eventually winds up in High School.

Your life has been changing without your knowledge. Suddenly, you wake up and realize that your car is too small, and the word Bus is being bantered about with great regularity. The only difference between you and Yellow Cab is they get paid for their trips. You hear yourself saying "Sure I want my child to be well rounded. Yes, I want my child to be part of outside activities." not realizing what you are really saying is "Yes, I will be happy to take 10 children to the soccer game." and "Yes, we have room for twelve duffle bags of equipment in my VAN." Little did you realize that your exercise routine no longer included Gold's Gym, but now consists of hoisting bags of sports equipment in and out of the garage, into the VAN, and out at the field. You forget about buying that new Ping driver because your money is now spent on cheerleader uniforms. "Why do they have to have different ones?" you ask. There are only 8 games. Forget about it, just hand over the Visa card. By the way, call the bank, I need a new one. The magnetic strip on this one is worn out.

Finally, the proud day comes when you see them walk across that stage. All the hard work, the miles and miles of driving, the mountains of food consumed by such people who are constantly on a diet,  has now culminated into the Grand Event. Soon, the house will be empty. Quiet will reign supreme once again. Pizza will no longer be the dietary staple. Life is coming back to normal. Yes, good old Peace and Quiet have come to stay. Thank goodness for Peace and Quiet. Thought it would never get here.

Forgive me if I stop here for a while. I need to talk to my children about when they are going to bring me grandchildren. All that Peace and Quiet is over rated anyway.

Until next time, keep your beans fresh.

cuppa joe.